To save space on here , i'll just post in one place ONLY
Otherwise it'll ruin the site having a load of Jokes Blogs running top to Bottom
that an the Fact i've got fucking loads , Some Old some New
BE WARNED quite a Few of the Jokes i'll Post won't be Politcally Correct and i'll rip the piss put of anyone or anything
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37 comments:
Post away..politically correct jokes will be deleted..Bikers...dude, this ain't the BON..LOL
Sex on Mars
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
A guy goes into a whore house, and says to the lasy at the desk "I have 30 bucks, give me the cheapest whore you've got." She replies "Room 21, dont say anything, just drop your trousers and away you go."
So the guy runs to the room, unzips his trousers and starts pounding away, but he notices that every time he thrusts, something white oozes out of the whores nose.
He remembers not to talk to the whore, so zips his trousers up and runs back to the desk, and tells the woman at the desk. The woman shouts "BARRY! Get down to the morgue and pick up another stiff, the one in 21 is full up."
If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA...
He's just not very good at predictive text.
My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "We need to talk about our future."
I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be fucking mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"
I'm now single
Me: "Whatever you do don't let me get off with that bird over there, she's minging"
Bloke: "I'm sorry, but that's my wife"
Me: "No wonder you're sorry"
A pianist was asked to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when he could see the movie. The producer confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a two months.
Two months later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he sat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring threesome's, S&M and even a dog. After a while, the humiliated musician turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, I accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Bloke on a bus. Young blonde starts breastfeeding her baby, with difficulty: "come on eat up or I'll give it to that man over there."
10 minutes later she’s still trying to feed the baby and hving trouble: "come on or mummy will give it to that man over there."
The bloke leans across: "For fucks sake missus, will you make your fucking mind up, I should've got off 3 stops ago..!"
Eric and Tim are having gay sex... "I have AIDS" says Eric, "WHAT?!?!" replies Tim. "I don't really" says Eric "I just like the way your arse tightens when I say it!!!!"
A friend of mine is about three years into a relationship now and has started to have erection difficulties.
His girlfriend and he have different ideas as to what the problem is:
She bought him some Viagra;
He bought her a treadmill.
it seems most men are in favour of the muslim full face veil................................ it solves the age old problem of where to wipe your cock after a blow job !
how do Ethiopian women know they're pregnant?
When they take the tampon out and it's half eaten!
A recent study asked a group of women if their c***s twitched after sex.
98% said "No, he just lays there scratching his balls"
I was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought "Fuck it i could win that!’
Women are just like cartons of orange juice.
It’s not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is - it’s getting those fucking flaps open!!
The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.
Fact: 1 lonely fucker is reading This..
Hang in there sunshine!
Norman & Mary were waliking home from the pub. Mary says 'I need a piss' & goes behind a bush & drops her knickers. Feeling horny, Norman puts his hand through the bush & feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says 'have you changed your sex?'. Mary says 'no, I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit'
In court the best man ask's the judge if could explain......
Go ahead says the judge...........
Well says the best man, its a tradtion for the best man to get the fist dance with the new bride, well I was dancin real close to her when the groom see's us and comes running up an kicks his new wife right in the fanny........
Gosh says the judge, that must have been sore..........
Sore replies the bloke, the Bastid broke three of me fingers
An undertaker says to a bereaved husband, when did you realise your wife was dead?’
‘Well,’ he replies, ‘the sex was the same but the dishes just kept piling up...’
Three pregnant women waiting at the gynaecologists, each knitting baby clothes.
The first woman pops a pill. "Vitamin C, I want my baby to be born healthy".
The second woman pops a pill. "Iron, I want a big, strong child".
The third, slightly tetchy woman swallows a pill. "Thalidomide - I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater..."
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."
An army guy was stationed on a deserted island for seven years on a top secret mission. When he came back to the U.S. he was really horny. So he went to this whore house. The only money he had was ten dollars, so he asks the clerk what he can get for that.
The clerk looks at him funny and says,"nothing what do you think this is?" So the army guy gets on his knees and starts begging, after awhile the clerk says hold on a minute. He disappears into the back room. Comes back five minutes later and says the lady is waiting.
He follows him to the room where a really old, fat woman was laying on the bed in her lingerie. He didn't really care what she looked like he needed to get laid. So they started having sex and after he said,"man you are really tight and dry. That was the worst sex in my life." She tells him to hold on a minute and goes to the bathroom. When she comes out they have sex again, and afterwards he says..."that was the best sex in my life what did you do?"
She says,"I peeled off the scabs and let the juices flow naturally!!!!!"
2 queers, 1 dies, his partner asks for his body to be made into a curry.
When asked why he replied:
I just want to feel him dribbling out my arse 1 more time
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
I've always wondered what it would be like to star in my own zombie movie, so i'm going to my local old peoples home, steal all there wheel chairs and walking aids, then set the fire alarm off and wait outside with a shovel and a cricket bat.
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies".
So she did this faithfully for several months,
and it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and when she was on the bus she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them. So she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies I want bigger boobies."
A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" He leaned toward her and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock".
a Bloke goes to Texas on Holiday to see some friends , his mate says were off to the Local Rodeo Championships for the Day wanna come along . Ok says the bloke so off they go .
They spend the Day watching cowboys roping cows riding bucking broncos and at the end of the Day the Last Competition is Riding the biggest meanest motherfucker of a Bull .
The Compare anounces to the Crowd would anyone be brave enugh to ride the Unrideable Bull for a $5000 Cash Prize all you have to do is stay for 7 seconds .
so one by one all the local Cowboys get on the Bull and one by one they are stretchered off the field with broekn limbs and split skulls it seems no one can ride this motherfucker of a Bull .
So right at the Death the Bloke says to his host i can do that , his mate says no don''t you could Die your my guest from England . no i'll be fine so he walks over to the Bull Pen and says i'm next the Cowboys look at this Greenhorn and snigger anyway he mounts the bull the gate opens
3 seconds pass the bull bucks spins but the greenhorn stays on
5 seconds the Bull is now angry and is getting out of control but he's still on there
7 seconds the crowd is cheering the bull is going mental but the bloke is still on there
30 seconds the bull says fuck this for a laugh and gives up the bloke slides causually off the Bull takes a bow and collects his prize to Rappturous Applause
on the way home the host is in awe how the fuck did you do that
its easy says the bloke my wifes an epileptic
"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Billy Bob Smith! He’s hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they burst open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Billy Bob and leave. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy"
Husband buys his wife a new car for Christmas.
"I don't like it, i want sommat that goes from 0 to 140 in 3 seconds."
He comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says:
"Here........stand on these you fat cow !!"
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
So the man asked him, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'
He said, 'I'm NOT happy ... My balls itch."
A biker was riding his bike when he collided with a little bird. Thanks to his helmet the biker was all right, but the bird looked dead. He was a kind man, and took the bird to a doctor. The doctor said that nothing was wrong with the bird, just knocked-out. So the biker, went home, built a coop to put the bird in. Put in a cup of water and some pieces of stale bread, then covered the coop. When the little bird woke up, he looked at the cell, the water and the stale bread, and thinks: I KILLED THE BIKER
Grizzly Pete is out for a putt -- the day is beautiful and he's looking forward to getting out on one of his favorite roads. Unfortunately on his way out of town, an asshole cager cuts sharply in front of him to pull into a left-turn lane, and only his skill and years of experience keep him from losing control and dumping the bike, finally managing to wrestle his ride to a safe stop. Pissed off to the max, he reaches into a saddlebag, pulls out a tire iron and throws it with all his considerable might. It smashes through the rear window of the cage and whacks the driver on the back of the head, knocking him out. The vehicle loses control and eventually smashes into a tree --the cage is totalled and the driver is put into the hospital for weeks. Some time later at his trial, the prosecuting attorney is cross-examining Grizzly Pete on the stand and finally just asks "WHY?! Why did you do it?!" Grizzly Pete thinks for a moment, then starts beaming and says "I didn't see him!"
A lady goes to the doctor with a green rash on her inner thighs.
Doctor asks her "Are you a lesbian?"
"Yes" she replies "how can you tell?"
"Well" says the doctor "tell your girlfriend her earrings ain't gold"
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag
fuck these are funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you pug
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar
and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner
table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over,
looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your
grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway
buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the
best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still
says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you
something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa,....... Go home!
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